Macworld’s Macalope writes: “It must be Thursday because it’s time once again to report on another Apple killer that has not, in fact, killed the Apple thing it was designed to kill.”

PREDICTION: She is fired before this time next year. Apple has dicked its customers over so bad, so often in just the past year, that a column devoted to mocking other corporations in defense of Apple is laughable, even by the standards of PR.

Macworld: “Google Assistant makes it clear that Siri is seriously behind

PREDICTION: Doesn’t matter.

Imagine how wonderful, how pro-user it would be if Apple opened up the iPhone home button to Google, allowing iPhone users to access Google Assistant instead of Siri.

And the world would be a much better place.

Except, Apple won’t do it. When you profit from a platform, you push lesser services onto your customers who are locked inside.

It’s a great strategy.

Until they get free.

Miao Wei, the head of China’s Ministry of Industry and Information Technology (MIIT), says: “I hope Apple can expand its business in China, deepen its cooperation in research and development and industrial supply chains, and provide a convenient and secure user experience for Chinese consumers.”

To which, Loop Insight responds: “Pay us more money.”


And let me add, I’m glad that my closeted readers are finally willing to admit what I’ve been saying for over a year: that China will continually demand more bribes, er, investments, from the world’s richest corporation.

PREDICTION: many, many, many more “investments” will be forthcoming. Apple is entirely dependent upon China. It’s Apple’s (second) largest market and where Apple’s moneymaker, iPhone, is made.

No China, no iPhone. No iPhone, no Apple.

In discussing the grand and most glorious future of the Apple Car, iMore states: “The Apple Watch has been, by any realistic measure, a success for Apple.”

PREDICTION: I won’t ever stop laughing at such cheerleading nonsense.

SECOND PREDICTION: Sales of the awful Apple Watch continue to be more awful than even my worse-case estimates. Meaning, I must now raise my “Apple will discontinue sales of Apple Watch” threat level to 28%.

Jason Snell begins his post on a mythical, futuristic, non-existent, “cellular” Apple Watch with the following statement: “Since the day the Apple Watch was announced in September 2014, and certainly once it launched in April 2015, people have been speculating about what the second-generation Apple Watch might bring to the table.”

That’s all you need to know.

Those cheerleaders who *aggressively* promoted Apple Watch played you for a sucker. They knew from the very start that Apple Watch (1.0) was a flop-turd.

PREDICTION: until you fill that emptiness in your soul you’ll keep reading the cheerleaders, keep buying the products of the world’s richest corporation, no questions asked.

Macrumors reports that “Apple plans to adopt a glass body for at least one iPhone model set to debut in 2017.”

PREDICTION: a glass body for a iPhone in the future may be correct, I do not know. What I do know is this: expect an endless array of iPhones, in sizes, colors, styles, features. By next year at the latest. There is (as yet) no next big thing. There is no great advancement in smartphones on the horizon. Meaning…Apple pivots to market share. When companies pivot to market share, it’s all about maximizing shelf space. iPhones will be like Oreos. There’s the traditional, the double stuff, the triple stuff, the vanilla, etc. etc. etc. iPhone 5c, like I told you from the day it was launched, was a flop-turd. A product that *signalled* to all the world that the buyer cared more about colorful plastic than specs. But, I expect Apple to learn from that failure, do better market research, and dump all manner of “iPhones” onto the market — for the young, the old, the hip, the aspirational, the Chinese, the toddler, the new parent, the grandparent…

BONUS PREDICTION: The name iPhone goes away. By autumn 2017, iPhone will be called “Apple Phone.”

Apple Insider tells us that Apple has significantly remodeled its flagship San Francisco store.


PREDICTION: There’s a whopping 43% chance that one day, between now and 2018, Apple retail chief Angela Ahrendts will do something, anything, that appears close to justifying her many millions in salary and stock.