Blogging convention requires an end-of-year summation of the highs, lows, oddities and brilliance that occurred within the industry I cover. I decided not to review any other sites for this. Nor open up the process. There will be no submissions. No votes may be cast. Far as I can tell, no one -- no one on this planet -- has written as many posts focused on smartphones in 2010 as I have. Nearly 5,000, in fact.
Given that, I decided to pull on the various loose threads that comprise my brain to conjure up the awards, the nominees and the winners. Of course, I encourage your comments. After all, it's not like I'm running Apple.
And now, the 2010 Annual Smartphone Awards!
The Smartphone FAIL OF THE YEAR
The nominees are...Kin, N8, MeeGo, Windows Phone 7, BlackPad (original name of the Blackberry PlayBook) and Nexus One
...and the winner is...
Windows Phone 7
An easy winner, the Windows Phone suffered from poor marketing, poor execution, deliberate yet limited integration with Microsoft's successes (e.g. Xbox, Outlook, Office) and, most of all, a product that wasn't nearly as good as the very best smartphones that were already available, had already sold tens of millions, and owned all the buzz.
Look, in both twentieth century world wars, America's potential enemies wrongly assumed America would remain forever on the sidelines. Similarly, they badly mis-underestimated America's ability to fight, to ramp up weapons production, to sustain its commitment, once they became fully engaged in a hard, bloody war. Maybe Microsoft will turn out like that. Though I doubt it. The best indictment I can give of Windows Phone is that I'm pretty sure that Angry Birds, which has (wisely) whored for money in ways that would make the Disney corporation blush, still can't be found on Microsoft's latest saviour.
The Smartphone STORY OF THE YEAR
The nominees are...iPad's success, Verizon iPhone, Antennagate, Facebook valuation, and Facebook poaching (mostly Google) talent
...and the winner is...
Verizon iPhone
OMG! The iPhone is coming to Verizon! This time for sure! This time we have verification! It will sell AT LEAST 10 million. It will halt Android dead in its tracks. We will all be freed from AT&T!
The Smartphone NON-STORY OF THE YEAR
The nominees are...Facebook privacy, Verizon iPhone, MeeGo NoGo, and suicides at Foxconn
...and the winner is...
Verizon iPhone
OMG! The iPhone is coming to Verizon! This time for sure! This time we have verification! It will sell AT LEAST 10 million. It will halt Android dead in its tracks. We will all be freed from AT&T!
(Please note that in an earlier ceremony, a Lifetime Achievement Non-Story of the Year award went to: Near Field Commuications)
The Smartphone PLATFORM OF THE YEAR
The nominees are...Android, iOS, Bada, and Windows Phone 7
...and the winner is...
Android
Everyone loves to recite those tales of big money lost. Yahoo passed on buying Google. Paul Allen sold AOL (and a littany of other investments) way too early. TimeWarner sold itself to a company that put a gaudy content overlay on top of the nation's dial-up network. But, what of big money made? Google got Android for a handful of magic beans. The future of the personal computer is the smartphone and Android *will* be the dominant platform. There is no Android smartphone as good as iPhone. There is no Android tablet as good as iPad. But there exists an endless horde of devices that could come in second place. With each passing day, Google *acts* more like Microsoft of the 1990s. Android will allow them to maintain their evil ways.
The Smartphone OF THE YEAR
The nominees are...iPhone 4, Droid 2, Samsung Galaxy S, Nokia N8, HTC Incredible
...and the winner is...
[Pardon the interruption. There has been a mistake in voting. Nokia N8 is not a nominee. We regret the error. Please, carry on.]
iPhone 4
The most functional, the most usable, the best looking. Search: TONY ROMO FIANCE. If, for whatever odd reasons you could magically turn her into a smartphone, she would transform into iPhone 4.
The Smartphone HIRE OF THE YEAR
The nominees are...Erick Tseng, Stephen Elop, Lars Rasmussen, HOPA hottie, Sung Hu Kim
...and the winner is...
Erick Tseng
Erick was hired from Google by Facebook to oversee the social media company's mobile phone efforts. Congratulations, Erick!
[Post-awards media announcement: We understand that there has been much controversy and head scratching over awarding Smartphone Hire of the Year to Erick Tseng. We assure you this was a completely fair, open, transparent process and Mr Tseng garnered the most votes. Thank you.]
[Post-awards media announcement the second: Yes, yes. We get it. Who the fuck is Erick Tseng? What the fuck has Erick Tseng done, ever? Here's the deal, all right. If we explain you'll promise to stop harrassing us about this. Mr Tseng was on Google's Android team. What did he do there? Who the fuck knows. Or cares. However, he was then hired by Facebook as their Head of Mobile Products. Mr Tseng's award was less to him and more to what he represents: Facebook is working on a Facebook phone!]
[Post-awards media announcement the third: You promised to stop harrassing us! Yes, maybe it was erroneous to give this award to Erick Tseng even if he did nothing and doesn't deserve it. The judges felt differently. We understand that Mark Zuckerberg has said that Facebook is not a hardware company. No shit. That doesn't mean they're not working on a operating system to ensure Facebook gets on every device, is available to every person on this planet. That's what Facebook is working on. That's a big fucking deal, okay. Facebook is being optimized for the future: smartphones. On multiple platforms and on a 'Facebook platform'. And Erick Tseng was hired to be part of that. The award is more symbolic then a recognition of one person's actual accomplishments.]
[Post-awards media announcement the final: Upon request of the awards committee, Mr Tseng has returned his Smartphone Hire of the Year award.]
The Smartphone THIS IS WAR BETRAYAL OF THE YEAR
The nominees are...Google betrays net neutrality, Google-owned content search results betrayal, Oracle Java-Android lawsuit, Google WiFi snooping...
...and the winner is...
ORACLE
Have you any idea how many lawyers will get super-richer by defending Google against Oracle? Oracle has more money than just about anyone, a CEO who prefers grinding your bones to make his bread over a $100 million yacht filled with underage Russian whores and, best of all, Oracle has a case! Only, this isn't like Nokia vs Apple, Apple vs HTC, Motorola vs Microsoft. No. Those are lawsuits. Those are workaday legal proceedings, where lots of money will pass hands. Oracle's lawsuit against Google, however, is a potential game changer because *the entire Android business model* is predicated on Google developing and giving away Android for free, to anyone. The Oracle lawsuit opens up the possibility of a license fee. If the makers of Android devices have to pay a license fee, that will wipe out a massive competitive edge that Android now enjoys.
Lastly, our special Smartphone Metaphor of the Year Award goes to...
President Obama. Blackberry user.
Thank you. Now, let's close out tonight's ceremonies with a respectful look-back at some of the recent victims of the smartphone wars...
[Brian: 12 November 2011: A new feature! As long as I remember to do it...What was happening in The Smartphone Wars on this day a year (or two or three) ago. Below, my post from 12 November 2010. Fully unedited.]
It's been a quiet week in the Smartphone Wars trenches. Too quiet. Somebody's plotting something. A Gmail killer, perhaps? A patent lawsuit or four? A new well-funded partnership with an evil gatekeeper, I wonder? You cover me while I go find out.
And while I'm gone you can occupy yourself with the Phonies, our weekly smartphone wars awards.
Big Bang award
Windows Phone
The Windows Phone may be here to save us from our smartphones. Really. But, apparently, we reject salvation. Despite a international launch event, and millions -- hundreds of millions, perhaps -- spent on advertising, co-marketing, market research and partnerships, almost nobody actually bought a Windows Phone 7.
Some suggest that Microsoft is slowly building the market. There are suggestions that Microsoft is deliberately restricting sales in order to build anticipation (these people are truly dumb and need saving). Others suggest that Microsoft must do a better job of ramping up development, manufacture and distribution. Of course, maybe they're waiting for a really big push with the next version, when they'll have more developers, more apps, things like cut-and-paste.
And when Apple and Android will be 2 years in front of them.
The fake whisper number going around is that Microsoft sold all of 40,000 Win Phones on opening day (8 November). To put that in perspective, on 9 November, Activision sold 5.6 million copies of Call of Duty Black Ops.
That's a big bang. For Microsoft, Win Phone so far appears to be yet another black hole, sucking in cash and focus, while offering nothing in return. Microsoft may be a big bad dinosaur, but its eggs continue to be devoured by far hungrier, far more vicious rodents.
By 2016, Microsoft will be irrelevant. Maybe sooner. No amount of ad spending trying to make kids these days think Microsoft is cool will change that. Android is activating 200,000 plus devices -- a day. Consumer Reports named the Samsung Galaxy, an Android phone, the very best. Win Phone will not convert a single iPhone user. Even with Office and Exchange and Windows (PC edition) and relationships with *every* business in the world, a Blackberry is still superior.
The auto didn't simply kill off the horse and buggy. It altered the very ecosystem upon which the horse and buggy could even exist. The smartphone is doing this with the PC. Microsoft remains a PC company.
The Woolly Mammoth
Patents
A repeat winner. I'm all for protecting intellectual property. The goal of course, is to spur innovation, investment -- and make society better. With Apple filing patents for background colors of apps (which maybe I made up, maybe I didn't), everybody suing everybody in the US, and the rest of the world with an economy growing much faster than ours who doesn't give a shit about patents, well, that sure seems like an unsustainable system to me. Instead of a means to make better lives -- for the inventor, for the user, for the society -- they've devolved into a sort of speed trap. Everyone is breaking the law, really. And it's a bitch when one of us is unlucky enough to get pulled over.
Dinosaur Crossing
App is Dead meme
Can't this meme die? Of course, the app isn't dead. The app is alive, well -- and growing like weeds. Every platform has an app store. Every kid who can code is building apps. Every carrier is embracing the app. Businesses -- especially big businesses -- are rolling-out internal apps and app 'stores'. This will be so for the foreseeable future -- HTML5 and Flash change none of this. Apps work. Apps are optimized for the smartphone -- the future of computing.
The Google app? Yep, better than the Google (mobile) site. Your favorite website? On your smartphone, the app is better. Stop with the 'app is dead' nonsense. The app has only just begun its long, deep, extensive foray into all aspects of our daily lives. And don't even get me started on those of you who think the app is ultimately only for superfluous content.
The Carol
Yahoo staff
I predict that once Carol Bartz is booted up for failing Yahoo, she will write a book entitled "Running to Stand Still." So what's today's big news out of Yahoo? That it will hook up with News Corp? That Carol has said something wacky? That they're laying off 20% of their staff?
Nope. It's that Yahoo actually has to *lay off* workers? Who are these people? Does Yahoo hold their H1 Visa? Why would they actually be working for Yahoo? Can they not pass those Google hiring tests? Are they like the Japanese soldier on some deserted island who still thinks his country is at war?
What could possibly be keeping these people there? Are they all Jerry's relatives? Fuck if I know.
Magical and Revolutionary award
YouTube
No surprise that I'm a fan. It's not terribly difficult to wade through the crap to find what you want. All free, most without distracting ads. Short, original content. Archived cartoons. Clips from old films. Historical footage. Family videos.
Plus the site is becoming more smartphone friendly by the day. As noted earlier this week:
(A survey shows that) 75% of respondents say mobile is their primary way of accessing YouTube, and that 38% feel YouTube Mobile is replacing their desktop usage of the video service. 70% of users visit YouTube Mobile at least once a day, and 58% spend more than 20 minutes per visit, according to Google.
Even customer-made commercials can be worth watching.
The Smartphone Wars awards for the week ending 22 October 2010
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to this week's Phonies. The official awards of the Smartphone Wars! Brought to you by...
[insert personalized localized friendship recommended advertisement here customized for their mobile device and broadband quality]
And, we're back...
This week we have a special host for the Phonies! Fresh off his Game 5 loss to the Philadelphia Phillies, San Francisco Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum. Welcome, Tim!
Dude.
Are you ready, Tim?
Bring it.
All right, then. We'll ignore the big music and dance number I had planned, I Left my DNA in San Francisco, and get started...
I'm sorry, what? What's that, Tim? Looked like you were shaking me off.
Thinking something funny.
Oh, okay, then. Play ball!
Big Bang Award
Steve Jobs Phone Call
Like that two-seamer I threw to Howard. Steve Jobs called out RIM, MIcrosoft, Google, analysts, the entire open source community. Like 14 Ks in a game, man. Epic. Then Jobs says Apple is activating tens of thousands more devices -- per day -- on no rest, than Android. You know, I was about two-years old when Apple fired Steve Jobs. Talk about a change-up. Like going up against Halladay. Only winning.
Dinosaur Crossing Award
Press Event
Press what? I don't get this one.
Just read what's on the cue card, then, Tim.
Sure.
A week ago, Microsoft spent millions and held two major press events for the launch (next month) of their Windows Phone 7.
They should call it Windows Phone #55. That'd be awesome.
That's not on the card, TIm.
What, oh, yeah. ...Windows Phone 7. What's everyone talking about instead? Yep. Steve Jobs' phone call to a few analysts and wannabe journalists. Then some no-name from Google sends out a tweet that everyone talks about. Then the co-founder of RIM, the skinny one, like me, posts something about the call on his website. Even Apple had a big press event this week. But it was streamed live, tweeted in real-time and, besides, everyone already knew what Apple was gonna say.
When it comes to putting the ball in play, the press are like the Baltimore Orioles.
Woolly Mammoth Award
Woolly Mammoth's are cool.
The winner, Tim?
Personal Computer
This week we learned that iPad sales officially surpassed Mac sales for the last quarter. HP announced a slate. RIM defended the 7-inch tablet and its upcoming Blackbery Playbook. Samsung is rolling out its Galaxy Tab to all major carriers in the US. The world is going mobile. The personal computer can't move. So it will die. Apple gets 75 million people in its store -- a quarter -- to see how cool tablets are. Plus, the App Store is coming to Mac. iOS is coming to Mac OS. Like the Mongols rushing over the Great Wall.
You don't think Microsoft sees the writing on the wall? Any idea how many game theorists they employed to figure out how exactly to charge for a Microsoft Office in the cloud version while somehow still maintaining revenues, custtomer numbers, margins?
No doubt. Sometimes, you got to look down at your bullpen and hand the ball over to the long relief.
Grey Powell Award
Open Source
Open sores? What the fuck?
Source. Not sores, Tim. Open Source.
Oh, I was gonna say. Cause, man, Cody's been playing like his girl be chasing him cause of the open sores he...
Back on the mound, Tim.
Oh. Okay, Open Source.
Over 6 billion people on this planet. Soon, all of them will have a smartphone. And not 99.999% of them give a shit about open source or closed source. And fewer than that actually know what these terms really mean. Certainly not Google, which doesn't let anyone touch Android until it's actually formally released.
How open was Windows? Like Jobs said, "integrated versus fragmented."
People just want the shit to work.
[Special announcement: The Grey Powell Award for biggest random fuck-up is being retired after today. It will be replaced by The Carol, awarded to the most outrageous nonsensical genius statement.]
The Smartphone Wars awards for the week ending 15 October 2010
Movie Night is our theme this week. Our opening film is Back to the Future. The future is mobile. The future is the smartphone. Companies that built their fortune and power and glory on the past, on the PC, seek to go back to the future. Back to a timeline before the iPhone, before the mobile web, before the smartphone wars, when, like with big American cars, the future was an open road. A raging bull.
Failing to do that, they want nothing more than to be to the new world what they were to the age of the PC. This will not happen. But they must try. In the harsh world of the smartphone wars, move forward or die. Embrace the mobile, the social, real-time, or perish. There are no time machines, no do-overs.
Big Bang award
Microsoft the "personal computer" maker
A computer on every desk, in every home; not so much in everyone's hands. Once, very recently, Microsoft was the largest tech company in the world. The most feared. The global standard. Now, everything that made Microsoft big and powerful is dying. We are moving from the stationary to the mobile, from PC to smartphone, from packaged software to the cloud, from expensive program to cheap app. This week Microsoft showed what happens when this once future king does its very best to thrive in a completely new future. The results: okay.
Can a big fierce flesh-eating dinosaur live on okay? I have my doubts. Still, with the launch this week of Windows Phone 7, Microsoft proves once again that they are fighters. Even if they are no longer able to start me up. I'm pretty sure I know how this will all end. Despite so many clear, decisive victories, it won't end well.
Woolly Mammoth award
Apple (the) Computer
The PC may be dying, but there remains money to be made off its flesh. Somehow, Apple, which became a mobile computing and media company, still lives as a computer company. Sales figures showed they captured a 10.6% computer market share in the US. I thought that part of Apple died long ago...
Dinosaur Crossing award
Microsoft the Feared
Their second award this week! For all the good they engendered for building a solid Windows Phone platform and line-up, it was also apparently obvious that they are no longer the Microsoft of old.
The popular app Angry Birds, which once would have killed for Microsoft's love, said that Microsoft had, uh, 'erred' when they put the Angry Birds icon on the Win Phone screen. The maker of the app then cast doubt on whether they would *ever* offer a Win Phone app.
Verizon, which still has no iPhone, should have embraced Windows Phone. But, they did not. Nor do they feel any pressure to add any Win Phone device to their line-up.
More worrisome, "Taiwan Inc.", as reader Tek calls them, because you need a cabal of Taiwanese electronics and logistics companies to get your smartphone designed, built and shipped, essentially told Microsoft they could make room for Windows Phone in their line-up. Just that, Microsoft would need to get to the back of the line.
Gray Powell award
Google the Ad Builder
Google announced Q3 earnings this week. They have revenues of $7.3 billion. They are sitting on over $30 billion in cash/equivalents. They are just about worth what Microsoft is and they've taken mobile search from nothing to (another) billion dollar business.
Problem is, as much as they want to break out revenues to show how much, how fast they are growing -- and diversifying -- the fact is nearly all their money comes from the PC.
The PC is a dead-end. I give Google credit. They are working fast and smart on building a revenue-generating operation for the new world: mobile, fast, real-time, hyperlocal; almost social. However, even if they do all these far better than anyone else, there is still no guarantee their future can match their past.
Magical and Revolutionary award
Faith
In a world that is changing fast and forever, faith sustains. Watching the rescue of the Chilean miners was restorative. That those men could have stayed trapped underground, first with no right to hope for more than two weeks, then with middling hope for nearly two months, was a testament to the depths of their faith. We should all be so strong.
The Smartphone Wars awards for the week ending 8 October 2010
If my calculations are correct, and they are, the Smartphone Wars will last until 2016. These are merely the early days of this epic global battle. And yet, already we can glimpse how radical the future will be, how different our world is becoming, how all the decisions and actions and creations and failures and visions and fears and selfishness that led us here are no longer relevant. Because there is absolutely zero chance of the world, of America, of your life, your work, your opportunity ever becoming as it once was, so base nothing on any pre-existing inputs.
The Smartphone Wars represent the destruction of everything. Yes, everything. Power, wealth, work, opportunity, media, learning, play, access. The smartphone is leading the destruction of all markets, industries, barriers, modes of commerce. The smartphone is de-constructing our very notions of time and space. There is no time. Only the present. There is no distance. Only here.
2016 will mark the end of the raidcally transitional presidency of Barack Obama. 2016 will see the opening of the first Olympics in the "third world". Over 1 billion, though I suspect closer to half the planet's population, will possess smartphones at least the equivalent of today's best devices. The young and brown of the world, two billion strong, will suddenly realize they have the same access and tools and potential as the old and white.
In 2007, when Apple launched the iPhone, thnk of that as the equivalent of the head of Prussia being assassinated. An event the world could point to as marking the date the world changed forever. At the time of course, the world couldn't possibly imagine the wrenching, transformational and permanent changes that were about to take place over the next several years. Nor how the world could never return to its past, not even in its fictions.
And with that, let's open the Phonies with a big music and dance number!
Big Bang award
Verizon iPhone
Yes, I know you've heard it many many many times before. However, this time the rumor was reported by the Wall Street Journal, Apple's favorite mouthpiece. A CDMA version of iPhone 4, likely with some other slight differences than the iPhone 4 now on AT&T (because Apple likes to mess with us and make each of us feel a need to prove ours is better or foster a compelling desire to make it so).
Is this time for real?
Doesn't matter. That's not what this award is about. But the tech bloggers who've been living off this meme for over 2 years now finally were taken to completion. It's for them.
Woolly Mammoth award
Patents
The Smartphone Wars are vicious, bloody, deadly. And global. And the rest of the world simply doesn't give a shit about patents. Here in the US, patents are now tools to bludgeon (potential) competitors, slow down competitors or reward trolls. Except for when they are used by some guy who gets lucky because a fool jury awards him more than $600 million.
Oracle is suing Google over Android. Microsoft is threatening Android makers, like HTC, with patent FUD. Meanwhile, Microsoft goes after Motorola, who goes after Apple, as RIMM, who has been badly burned in the past over patents tries desperately to find covers to hide under. All while Apple sues several companies, files a patent for just about everything it can possibly think of, then gets dinged by a jury for $625 million. Why? Cause patenting has become so disconnected from reality that something obvious and cool like Cover Flow can be attributed to a guy who made a pretty cool visual indexing tool back in the 20th century. Plus, near as I can tell, anything that has to do with check-ins, location-based services, the combination of real-time + place + mobility has now been awarded in its entirety to the good people at Facebook, care of the US Patent Office.
For all the potential good patents can do, the fact is they have become tolls, barriers, gateways. All tolls, barriers and gateways will be destroyed in the Smartphone Wars. America can accept this, and radically revise how it awards patents, views patents, interprets patent laws and intents, or get left behind as the rest of the world innovates and iterates.
Dinosaur Crossing award
MeeGo
I realize this is piling on. I would rather this award not go to MeeGo. Still, despite all the plans and proclamations and promises, there is no MeeGo smartphone available; no MeeGo device of any kind. Intel, a partner with Nokia in developing the FUTURE OPERATING SYSTEM AND STRATEGIC PILLAR for Nokia, confesses this week that there'll be no MeeGo this year. The top MeeGo leader at Nokia resigns. And so it goes...
MeeGo is dead. Accept this. With a new CEO, I have my doubts that Nokia will even release a single MeeGo device, despite all the effort that went into it. If this is the case, then you can be 100% certain that Nokia's CEO is focused 100% on getting Nokia acquired for top dollar. If an actual MeeGo device is released and then a second MeeGo device comes out, ever, then you can be certain that Nokia's CEO is similarly trapped inside this corporate dinosaur and in a few years Nokia will be purchased for pennies on the dollar.
Gray Powell award
China
China imprisoned Liu Xiaobo for the act of advocating for democracy. Today, when Liu Xiao Bo was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his "long and non-violent struggle for fundamental human rights in China." China then labelled this award an "obscenity."
China is not your friend, my friend. China is not America's friend. Right now, we may have no choice but to send many of our American dollars to China as they can make so many of the products (like smartphones) that we cannot. But, we need to do everything we can to limit how much of our dollars go to China, and look elsewhere for potential alternatives to those products we most covet. If it says made in China -- or designed by Apple in Cupertino -- seek an alternative wherever possible.
Magical and Revolutionary award
The Destruction of Everything
Well that was a surprise win. Deserved, nonetheless. The destruction of everything isn't merely reflective of what's happening in tech: the likely acquisition of Adobe, the dying days of Yahoo, the final gasps from Nokia. The rise of Facebook. No, this goes to the destruction of everything.
The S&P is now publicly discussing the "erosion in sovereign ratings" by major economies beginning in 2015. Hint: that's when the inability to pay off our past becomes so obvious that even our political leaders can't lie to us about the fact that all our debt, entitlements, spending and way of life is built atop a massive coordinated Ponzi scheme.
States and cities sucked up every penny of the stimulus funding in the US -- and still are begging for help.
China can't stop it's own people, on its own PCs, on its own servers, from finding out information about the Nobel Peace Prize.
If not for welfare, food stamps and unemployment, America's economy would collapse. The world's best minds are convinced that the best and only solution to the planet's financial problems is to pump more debt into the global economy, like shoveling coal into a train engine. And they're correct. And it's not changing anything.
I could go on. But you already know all this. The only issue is some of you think all this is temporary. It's not. And it's minor to what's ahead. By 2016, possibly sooner, the way you view 2010 will be just like the way you view Leave it to Beaver.
The Smartphone Wars Awards (week ending 1 October 2010)
Good day, beautiful ladies and gentlemen. My name is Cai Yuan. Despite being a lowly female I worked very hard and endured much suffering and, probably because they mistook such a thin one as I for a boy, I received a scholarship to study in America at St John's University. From a very early age we learn that America's universities are the best in the world. But with much shame, I failed to please Ms Chang, the dean, with my housecleaning skills and she shipped me back to China.
Now I work for Foxconn. Most glorious. My duty is to build your smartphone. It is what gives me all my pleasure. Dearest Foxconn has asked one as humble as I to announce this week's Phonies. The company says this will help outsiders love us even more. It is my honor. Now that today's 19-hour shift is complete, we shall commence with the awards.
My once delicate fingers are unable to open the award announcement envelopes -- please don't hurt me. But glorious Foxconn has provided me with this smartphone to read off the winners. It will only require 5 months salary. Because they take care of me and want only what is best for me which is what is best for them.
May we please begin.
Big Bang award
Facebook
I am deeply sorry I do not know who Facebook is. According to the award, Facebook is now the second largest video site in all of America, trailing only Google sites. In China, we do not have seconds.
Woolly Mammoth award
N8
Nokia is the maker of N8. At Foxconn sleeping quarters, many is the time when the older women tell of the days when they made so very many Nokia phones. No longer.
The N8 is receiving this award for many reasons. It was delayed. It relies upon an operating system that will soon cease to be and is already being replaced at Nokia. And also because Nokia, apparently, loudly proclaimed that the N8 would be delayed once again. Then began actually shipping the N8 to select customers without letting anyone know.
I do not understand this award. Is not the purpose of a company to make a profit?
Dinosaur Crossing award
Boards
Foxconn has a single leader. This is how it must be. All decisions are made by our dear leader. They are not discussed or reviewed. Never negated. All great companies are like this. Apple. Facebook. Even the devil who runs HTC.
Why do you have boards? HP's board seems intent on destroying its very own value, bringing much ridicule upon this once-great company. It is the same at Yahoo. I do not understand the purpose of having a board that seeks to reduce the company. We know we are to always build, always. Never stop. Never rest. Build and grow. Always. Without stopping.
Gray Powell award
Todd Bradley
Mr Bradley is executive vice president for HP's Personal Systems Group. Mr Bradley is responsible for over $40 billion of HP's $115 billion annual revenues. He has successfully grown his division. He is a former CEO.
The board of HP decided not to make him CEO.
Mr Bradley must have done something to bring great shame upon the company for such a slight.
Magical and Revolutionary award
Foxconn
I promised myself if Foxconn did not receive this award I would kill myself. This is no longer an option for today. Foxconn makes the most magical, revolutionary devices in all the world. They bring joy and opportunity to millions and millions. Outside our country. In all revolutions, there must be sacrifice.
All of us, I suspect, have a little Carol Bartz doppelganger on our shoulder, quickly able to pick apart what's wrong with those around us yet utterly incapable of understanding -- of seeing -- our own faults, shortcomings, weaknesses.
Just as Ms Bartz still has no idea what Yahoo is, or was, or could be, despite her keen understanding of Google's problems, Appe's problems, the Valley's problems, so do we often fail to see the big picture for the real-time data stream that draws us in like bugs. Which sounds sad, I know, but right now, my mouthy little Carol Bartz doppelganger has convinced me to ignore all that and let her MC this week's Phonies!
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome everyone's favorite current Yahoo CEO...
Yeah, yeah, give me the mic and just shut the hell up. This is war baby. War. Time to say fuck it, grab them bitches by the balls, stick your finger in their anus, gizz on their face and shit on their hopes and dreams! Let's get it on!
Big Bang award
$RIMM
RIM? Are you kidding me? They're doomed. Everyone knows that. Doomed on the high-end, doomed on the low-end, Microsoft will buy them for parts...
Look, Nokia got everyone together in London this week, for three days of love and peace and good times, then the market whipped out the brown acid and shit on Nokia's stock. Like they do every week. At least RIM beat the market's quarterly estimates for revenues, margins and new subscribers. That's Canada 1 Finland 0.
Now, don't cry. Tell you what. After this is over, I'll take you out for a nice piece of cod.
Woolly Mammoth award
Skyhook Wireless
Skyhook Wireless? Who the fuck is Skyhook Wireless?
Oh, well, I'll just read what's written down for me.
Skyhook has much experience and several patents for technology that uses WiFi and GPS (and magic) in your smartphone to determine your location.
As you may have heard, when everyone has a smartphone and social networking and location-based services and real-time broadband interactivity are a constant reality, the knowledge a Skyhook has could be rather useful. Valuable, in fact. Extremely valuable. So valuable that Yahoo wants nothing to do with them.
So valuable that Apple broke up with them and decided to build their own -- and retain full control. The crafty soulless at Google -- allegedly -- decided to require vendors like Motorola who want Android, that if they really want Android, they better ditch Skyhook and go all the way with Google.
Given that kind of bitchslap, it's hard to believe that Skyhook has long for this world.
Dinosaur Crossing award
IE9
What problem is this solving?
What future does it have?
Who the fuck cares?
Microsoft is doomed. Stupid bitches.
Gray Powell award
LG Electronics
The smartphone is the computer. The future. Giant electronics and gadget maker LG knows this. Google has given them Android. The world awaits.
And still these fucks can't make a decent smartphone. No wonder they're stuck at 1% market share. And that's with a billion dollars to play with. That's not incompetence, that's a concsious choice, an act of suicide. You got to want to fuck up to have everything LG has and still suck at a market that is growing like a weed all over the planet.
Or maybe they'd just rather spend their time watching porn?
Magical and Revolutionary award
At 90 million tweets a day, the winner goes to...
Excuse me, little Carol, I'll take care of this last one.
The winner of the Magical and Revolutionary phonie award goes to:
What an interesting week in the smartphone wars. It seemed quiet, sure, with few bombs dropping. In fact, a number of activities, some covert, some public, some led by the ground troops -- that's us users -- and others by gilded boards, shielded from the front lines, have set in motion more change, more magic, more bloodshed.
But before we get to this week's awards, the accounting firm of Me N I will discuss how votes are tallied, who is eligible to vote, and how final decisions on awards are made:
it's all Brian
And now, a quick song and dance number!
Big Bang award
Blackberry
Surprise! Nokia hires some guy from Microsoft, but Blackberry pulls out the win. File under: not dead yet!
The Blackberry App World achieved the milestone of 10,000 apps. Meanwhile, the company acquired the brain trust and intellectual property of DataViz, which enables your smartphone -- and in the near-future, possibly only the Blackberry -- to read and edit Microsoft Office files.
This means never having to buy a Windows Phone 7 and solidifies Blackberry's presence in the corporate space. No, this won't make or break them, won't save them from extinction or acquisition, but it is a powerful weapon to have. Maybe, it's even a more powerful weapon to keep out of other's hands.
Woolly Mammoth award
AT&T
AT&T proves it's still not hip to be square. The company, with the help of well-paid if not well-meaning consultants, sent on a heartfelt, very special episode of, 'hey, we're listening, we're working on these issues and we are still your bestest friend."
The nicest reaction of all who received this unwanted email was mine. And I mocked them.
Others took to the web, the Facebook, Twitter, tech blogs and the like to even more loudly re-state their deep dislike of this company.
David Fine
Dear ----
September 8, 2010
I am writing to thank you for choosing AT&T for your wireless service, and to update you on exciting plans we have to make your wireless experience even better.
You already know that AT&T covers 97% of all Americans. And as an AT&T customer, you have access to the nation's fastest mobile broadband network; a mobile broadband network that allows you to talk and browse the web at the same time; and seamless access to over 20,000 AT&T Wi-Fi hotspots - more than any other U.S. wireless provider.
But you may not know the extent of our plans to improve your experience. In 2010 alone, we plan to invest between $18 and $19 billion in our wireless and wireline networks across the country. In fact, we've invested more in our networks over the last three years than any of our U.S. competitors. We've already upgraded our cell sites to enable faster mobile broadband speeds when paired with expanded backhaul, and we plan a similar upgrade at the end of the year that will enable even faster speeds.
We're not stopping there. We are also adding thousands of new cell sites, expanding mobile broadband coverage to millions of customers, installing enhanced fiber backhaul, and increasing the capacity of our data network. Not only do these enhancements provide a better experience today, but they also enable a seamless migration to our next generation of mobile broadband - LTE.
What this means to you is simple: better coverage where it matters most, and fast access to information on the go.
Your satisfaction is always our number one goal. If you have any needs or questions about what AT&T can do for you, I invite you to stop by your local AT&T store, visit att.com, or come tell us what you think at www.facebook.com/ATT.
Again, thank you for being our customer.
Sincerely,
David Fine Vice President and General Manager AT&T - Illinois & Wisconsin Region
Dinosaur Crossing award
Marissa Mayer's dress
Really? I'm a man. There was a cute blonde up on stage at the Google event. She's the VP of Search Products and User Experience, which sounds like a big deal. She was showing off Google's version of radical -- typing letters into our computer to search for (primarily text-based) information and getting instant response...
And all I kept thinking was, who the fuck dressed her?
I mean, I used to nail this chic in college who would tell me, cause I was there and really, couldn't leave, that when she finally had enough money she would do all her shopping at Laura Ashley. This was like 1992. That was nearly 20 years ago. I'm sure she's moved on. Ms Mayer, apparently, has not.
Gray Powell award
HP
How badly did those pussies on the HP board stew and plot and hate Mark Hurd before finally getting the balls -- and the backup -- to get rid of him?
A whole lot, apparently.
And when they had actual written concrete company policy to kick his ass to the curb, they instead handed him a check for like $40 million. Mr Hurd, who learned just about everything he needed about HP during his tenure there, promptely retaliated by getting himself a $200+ million or so pay package from Oracle. And had several nice long conversations with good friend and Oracle CEO, Larry Ellison.
And the HP board responded by revealing to us all that they aren't just pussies, but stupid as well. They lawyered up, misfired all their pre-emptive strikes against Mr Hurd's new employer, and brought much ridicule down upon themselves.
Though, really. Should we expect anything more from a company whose greatest innovation in the last 20 years is locking us into expensive printer ink refills?
Magical and Revolutionary award
$100 smartphone
Earlier this week, the New York Times wrote about $100 smartphones . That is, smartphones that cost about $100, like the iPhone 3GS, provided you sign-up for a costly 2-year contract. That's not really $100. That's more like $2,000.
The Huawei Ideos is closer to that legitimate $100 mark, no contract required. Android 2.2, a 3.2mp camera, touchscreen, web browser, voice-based search, all the apps one could want. It's not a great smartphone, but it is a decent smartphone. And it's price is about $100, with no contract. That's in 2010. I believe I have said that by 2016, smartphones the equivalent of today's iPhone 4 will be free. Yes, free. Which means that most of the world will have the same tools, the same connectivity, the same information, the same social networks, the same resources, as everyone else. And that will transform the planet.
