Presenting the 2010 Smartphone Awards

Blogging convention requires an end-of-year summation of the highs, lows, oddities and brilliance that occurred within the industry I cover. I decided not to review any other sites for this. Nor open up the process. There will be no submissions. No votes may be cast. Far as I can tell, no one -- no one on this planet -- has written as many posts focused on smartphones in 2010 as I have. Nearly 5,000, in fact.

Given that, I decided to pull on the various loose threads that comprise my brain to conjure up the awards, the nominees and the winners. Of course, I encourage your comments. After all, it's not like I'm running Apple.

And now, the 2010 Annual Smartphone Awards!

The Smartphone FAIL OF THE YEAR

The nominees are...Kin, N8, MeeGo, Windows Phone 7, BlackPad (original name of the Blackberry PlayBook) and Nexus One

...and the winner is...

Windows Phone 7

An easy winner, the Windows Phone suffered from poor marketing, poor execution, deliberate yet limited integration with Microsoft's successes (e.g. Xbox, Outlook, Office) and, most of all, a product that wasn't nearly as good as the very best smartphones that were already available, had already sold tens of millions, and owned all the buzz.

Look, in both twentieth century world wars, America's potential enemies wrongly assumed America would remain forever on the sidelines. Similarly, they badly mis-underestimated America's ability to fight, to ramp up weapons production, to sustain its commitment, once they became fully engaged in a hard, bloody war. Maybe Microsoft will turn out like that. Though I doubt it. The best indictment I can give of Windows Phone is that I'm pretty sure that Angry Birds, which has (wisely) whored for money in ways that would make the Disney corporation blush, still can't be found on Microsoft's latest saviour.

The Smartphone STORY OF THE YEAR

The nominees are...iPad's success, Verizon iPhone, Antennagate, Facebook valuation, and Facebook poaching (mostly Google) talent

...and the winner is...

Verizon iPhone

OMG! The iPhone is coming to Verizon! This time for sure! This time we have verification! It will sell AT LEAST 10 million. It will halt Android dead in its tracks. We will all be freed from AT&T!

The Smartphone NON-STORY OF THE YEAR

The nominees are...Facebook privacy, Verizon iPhone, MeeGo NoGo, and suicides at Foxconn

...and the winner is...

Verizon iPhone

OMG! The iPhone is coming to Verizon! This time for sure! This time we have verification! It will sell AT LEAST 10 million. It will halt Android dead in its tracks. We will all be freed from AT&T!

(Please note that in an earlier ceremony, a Lifetime Achievement Non-Story of the Year award went to: Near Field Commuications)

The Smartphone PLATFORM OF THE YEAR

The nominees are...Android, iOS, Bada, and Windows Phone 7

...and the winner is...

Android

Everyone loves to recite those tales of big money lost. Yahoo passed on buying Google. Paul Allen sold AOL (and a littany of other investments) way too early. TimeWarner sold itself to a company that put a gaudy content overlay on top of the nation's dial-up network. But, what of big money made? Google got Android for a handful of magic beans. The future of the personal computer is the smartphone and Android *will* be the dominant platform. There is no Android smartphone as good as iPhone. There is no Android tablet as good as iPad. But there exists an endless horde of devices that could come in second place. With each passing day, Google *acts* more like Microsoft of the 1990s. Android will allow them to maintain their evil ways.

The Smartphone OF THE YEAR

The nominees are...iPhone 4, Droid 2, Samsung Galaxy S, Nokia N8, HTC Incredible

...and the winner is...

[Pardon the interruption. There has been a mistake in voting. Nokia N8 is not a nominee. We regret the error. Please, carry on.]

iPhone 4

The most functional, the most usable, the best looking. Search: TONY ROMO FIANCE. If, for whatever odd reasons you could magically turn her into a smartphone, she would transform into iPhone 4.

The Smartphone HIRE OF THE YEAR

The nominees are...Erick Tseng, Stephen Elop, Lars Rasmussen, HOPA hottie, Sung Hu Kim

...and the winner is...

Erick Tseng

Erick was hired from Google by Facebook to oversee the social media company's mobile phone efforts. Congratulations, Erick!

[Post-awards media announcement: We understand that there has been much controversy and head scratching over awarding Smartphone Hire of the Year to Erick Tseng. We assure you this was a completely fair, open, transparent process and Mr Tseng garnered the most votes. Thank you.]

[Post-awards media announcement the second: Yes, yes. We get it. Who the fuck is Erick Tseng? What the fuck has Erick Tseng done, ever? Here's the deal, all right. If we explain you'll promise to stop harrassing us about this. Mr Tseng was on Google's Android team. What did he do there? Who the fuck knows. Or cares. However, he was then hired by Facebook as their Head of Mobile Products. Mr Tseng's award was less to him and more to what he represents: Facebook is working on a Facebook phone!]

[Post-awards media announcement the third: You promised to stop harrassing us! Yes, maybe it was erroneous to give this award to Erick Tseng even if he did nothing and doesn't deserve it. The judges felt differently. We understand that Mark Zuckerberg has said that Facebook is not a hardware company. No shit. That doesn't mean they're not working on a operating system to ensure Facebook gets on every device, is available to every person on this planet. That's what Facebook is working on. That's a big fucking deal, okay. Facebook is being optimized for the future: smartphones. On multiple platforms and on a 'Facebook platform'. And Erick Tseng was hired to be part of that. The award is more symbolic then a recognition of one person's actual accomplishments.]

[Post-awards media announcement the final: Upon request of the awards committee, Mr Tseng has returned his Smartphone Hire of the Year award.]

The Smartphone THIS IS WAR BETRAYAL OF THE YEAR

The nominees are...Google betrays net neutrality, Google-owned content search results betrayal, Oracle Java-Android lawsuit, Google WiFi snooping...

...and the winner is...

ORACLE

Have you any idea how many lawyers will get super-richer by defending Google against Oracle? Oracle has more money than just about anyone, a CEO who prefers grinding your bones to make his bread over a $100 million yacht filled with underage Russian whores and, best of all, Oracle has a case! Only, this isn't like Nokia vs Apple, Apple vs HTC, Motorola vs Microsoft. No. Those are lawsuits. Those are workaday legal proceedings, where lots of money will pass hands. Oracle's lawsuit against Google, however, is a potential game changer because *the entire Android business model* is predicated on Google developing and giving away Android for free, to anyone. The Oracle lawsuit opens up the possibility of a license fee. If the makers of Android devices have to pay a license fee, that will wipe out a massive competitive edge that Android now enjoys.

Lastly, our special Smartphone Metaphor of the Year Award goes to...

President Obama. Blackberry user.

Thank you. Now, let's close out tonight's ceremonies with a respectful look-back at some of the recent victims of the smartphone wars...