The Phonies!

The Smartphone Wars awards for the week ending 22 October 2010

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to this week's Phonies. The official awards of the Smartphone Wars! Brought to you by...

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And, we're back...

This week we have a special host for the Phonies! Fresh off his Game 5 loss to the Philadelphia Phillies, San Francisco Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum. Welcome, Tim!

Dude.

Are you ready, Tim?

Bring it.

All right, then. We'll ignore the big music and dance number I had planned, I Left my DNA in San Francisco, and get started...

I'm sorry, what? What's that, Tim? Looked like you were shaking me off.

Thinking something funny.

Oh, okay, then. Play ball!

Big Bang Award

Steve Jobs Phone Call

Like that two-seamer I threw to Howard. Steve Jobs called out RIM, MIcrosoft, Google, analysts, the entire open source community. Like 14 Ks in a game, man. Epic. Then Jobs says Apple is activating tens of thousands more devices -- per day -- on no rest, than Android. You know, I was about two-years old when Apple fired Steve Jobs. Talk about a change-up. Like going up against Halladay. Only winning.

Dinosaur Crossing Award

Press Event

Press what? I don't get this one.

Just read what's on the cue card, then, Tim.

Sure.

A week ago, Microsoft spent millions and held two major press events for the launch (next month) of their Windows Phone 7.

They should call it Windows Phone #55. That'd be awesome.

That's not on the card, TIm.

What, oh, yeah. ...Windows Phone 7. What's everyone talking about instead? Yep. Steve Jobs' phone call to a few analysts and wannabe journalists. Then some no-name from Google sends out a tweet that everyone talks about. Then the co-founder of RIM, the skinny one, like me, posts something about the call on his website. Even Apple had a big press event this week. But it was streamed live, tweeted in real-time and, besides, everyone already knew what Apple was gonna say.

When it comes to putting the ball in play, the press are like the Baltimore Orioles.

Woolly Mammoth Award

Woolly Mammoth's are cool.

The winner, Tim?

Personal Computer

This week we learned that iPad sales officially surpassed Mac sales for the last quarter. HP announced a slate. RIM defended the 7-inch tablet and its upcoming Blackbery Playbook. Samsung is rolling out its Galaxy Tab to all major carriers in the US. The world is going mobile. The personal computer can't move. So it will die. Apple gets 75 million people in its store -- a quarter -- to see how cool tablets are. Plus, the App Store is coming to Mac. iOS is coming to Mac OS. Like the Mongols rushing over the Great Wall.

You don't think Microsoft sees the writing on the wall? Any idea how many game theorists they employed to figure out how exactly to charge for a Microsoft Office in the cloud version while somehow still maintaining revenues, custtomer numbers, margins?

No doubt. Sometimes, you got to look down at your bullpen and hand the ball over to the long relief.

Grey Powell Award

Open Source

Open sores? What the fuck?

Source. Not sores, Tim. Open Source.

Oh, I was gonna say. Cause, man, Cody's been playing like his girl be chasing him cause of the open sores he...

Back on the mound, Tim.

Oh. Okay, Open Source.

Over 6 billion people on this planet. Soon, all of them will have a smartphone. And not 99.999% of them give a shit about open source or closed source. And fewer than that actually know what these terms really mean. Certainly not Google, which doesn't let anyone touch Android until it's actually formally released.

How open was Windows? Like Jobs said, "integrated versus fragmented."

People just want the shit to work.

[Special announcement: The Grey Powell Award for biggest random fuck-up is being retired after today. It will be replaced by The Carol, awarded to the most outrageous nonsensical genius statement.]   

Magical and Revolutionary Award

Sorry, but we are out of time.

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