The Phonies! Smartphone Wars awards (week ending 10 September 2010)

What an interesting week in the smartphone wars. It seemed quiet, sure, with few bombs dropping. In fact, a number of activities, some covert, some public, some led by the ground troops -- that's us users -- and others by gilded boards, shielded from the front lines, have set in motion more change, more magic, more bloodshed.

But before we get to this week's awards, the accounting firm of Me N I will discuss how votes are tallied, who is eligible to vote, and how final decisions on awards are made:

it's all Brian

And now, a quick song and dance number!

Big Bang award

Blackberry

Surprise! Nokia hires some guy from Microsoft, but Blackberry pulls out the win. File under: not dead yet!

The Blackberry App World achieved the milestone of 10,000 apps. Meanwhile, the company acquired the brain trust and intellectual property of DataViz, which enables your smartphone -- and in the near-future, possibly only the Blackberry -- to read and edit Microsoft Office files.

This means never having to buy a Windows Phone 7 and solidifies Blackberry's presence in the corporate space. No, this won't make or break them, won't save them from extinction or acquisition, but it is a powerful weapon to have. Maybe, it's even a more powerful weapon to keep out of other's hands.

Woolly Mammoth award

AT&T

AT&T proves it's still not hip to be square. The company, with the help of well-paid if not well-meaning consultants, sent on a heartfelt, very special episode of, 'hey, we're listening, we're working on these issues and we are still your bestest friend."

The nicest reaction of all who received this unwanted email was mine. And I mocked them.

Others took to the web, the Facebook, Twitter, tech blogs and the like to even more loudly re-state their deep dislike of this company.

David Fine   Dear ----   September 8, 2010 I am writing to thank you for choosing AT&T for your wireless service, and to update you on exciting plans we have to make your wireless experience even better. You already know that AT&T covers 97% of all Americans. And as an AT&T customer, you have access to the nation's fastest mobile broadband network; a mobile broadband network that allows you to talk and browse the web at the same time; and seamless access to over 20,000 AT&T Wi-Fi hotspots - more than any other U.S. wireless provider. But you may not know the extent of our plans to improve your experience. In 2010 alone, we plan to invest between $18 and $19 billion in our wireless and wireline networks across the country. In fact, we've invested more in our networks over the last three years than any of our U.S. competitors. We've already upgraded our cell sites to enable faster mobile broadband speeds when paired with expanded backhaul, and we plan a similar upgrade at the end of the year that will enable even faster speeds. We're not stopping there. We are also adding thousands of new cell sites, expanding mobile broadband coverage to millions of customers, installing enhanced fiber backhaul, and increasing the capacity of our data network. Not only do these enhancements provide a better experience today, but they also enable a seamless migration to our next generation of mobile broadband - LTE. What this means to you is simple: better coverage where it matters most, and fast access to information on the go. Your satisfaction is always our number one goal. If you have any needs or questions about what AT&T can do for you, I invite you to stop by your local AT&T store, visit att.com, or come tell us what you think at www.facebook.com/ATT. Again, thank you for being our customer. Sincerely, David Fine Vice President and General Manager AT&T - Illinois & Wisconsin Region

Dinosaur Crossing award

Marissa Mayer's dress

Really? I'm a man. There was a cute blonde up on stage at the Google event. She's the VP of Search Products and User Experience, which sounds like a big deal. She was showing off Google's version of radical -- typing letters into our computer to search for (primarily text-based) information and getting instant response...

And all I kept thinking was, who the fuck dressed her?

I mean, I used to nail this chic in college who would tell me, cause I was there and really, couldn't leave, that when she finally had enough money she would do all her shopping at Laura Ashley. This was like 1992. That was nearly 20 years ago. I'm sure she's moved on. Ms Mayer, apparently, has not.

Gray Powell award

HP

How badly did those pussies on the HP board stew and plot and hate Mark Hurd before finally getting the balls -- and the backup -- to get rid of him?

A whole lot, apparently.

And when they had actual written concrete company policy to kick his ass to the curb, they instead handed him a check for like $40 million. Mr Hurd, who learned just about everything he needed about HP during his tenure there, promptely retaliated by getting himself a $200+ million or so pay package from Oracle. And had several nice long conversations with good friend and Oracle CEO, Larry Ellison.

And the HP board responded by revealing to us all that they aren't just pussies, but stupid as well. They lawyered up, misfired all their pre-emptive strikes against Mr Hurd's new employer, and brought much ridicule down upon themselves.

Though, really. Should we expect anything more from a company whose greatest innovation in the last 20 years is locking us into expensive printer ink refills?

Magical and Revolutionary award

$100 smartphone

Earlier this week, the New York Times wrote about $100 smartphones . That is, smartphones that cost about $100, like the iPhone 3GS, provided you sign-up for a costly 2-year contract. That's not really $100. That's more like $2,000.

The Huawei Ideos is closer to that legitimate $100 mark, no contract required. Android 2.2, a 3.2mp camera, touchscreen, web browser, voice-based search, all the apps one could want. It's not a great smartphone, but it is a decent smartphone. And it's price is about $100, with no contract. That's in 2010. I believe I have said that by 2016, smartphones the equivalent of today's iPhone 4 will be free. Yes, free. Which means that most of the world will have the same tools, the same connectivity, the same information, the same social networks, the same resources, as everyone else. And that will transform the planet.